Meus Parem Locus

Lacking social synchronicity...

After 4 hours I can take no more!   Sitting at my desk, perspiring in the heat, annoyed at the noisy fan and trying to read and absorb the finer points of hedge funds and investment strategy.    The mundane topic easily beats my arse for dryness within minutes.

Australia Day (and it's public holiday peers) can be a strange time for the immigrant.   Quite often I find myself billy-no-mates as more established individuals either spend time with their partners or make way for family barbecues.   Jason headed off to "Camp Convicts" (read that however you may) for a team
bonding session yesterday morning, leaving me with the place to myself and the personal guilt of every minute spent doing something other than working on my assignment.   Duty failed me yesterday as I spent time doing anything to avoid the inevitable book opening.   By 6pm I dismissed th notion of study by thinking "well it's too late to start now" and proceeded to contact various friends to see if there was any beer activity to be had.   

By 9pm, and no responses, I plonked down in front of the tv, opened and bottle of wine, and watched an introspective, humourless and ultra-neurotic Woody Allen movie from 1978 on DVD (Interiors), which enormously assisted my feelings of self-centred pity and lonely abandonment. 

Speaking of lonely, I went to see the Police concert at Homebush on Thursday night (the link there was the Police song "So Lonely" - geddit?)  and what a great show it was!  Sitting in some wonderful corporate seats, myself and a few colleagues were able to indulge our early 1980's rock/reggae/funk fantasies with access to a private member's bar.  The performance was impressive, although I was a smidgen miffed to note that all of the songs appeared to have been played at heightened tempo.  And Sting, though still wonderfully impressive and a great showman, can indulge himself excessively at the mic (which didn't surprise me, as although this band's turbulent history is well documented, Andy Summers (Guitar) and Stuart Copeland (drums) were utterly expressionless the entire performance - trying to block out ego-man I suppose).   

A further chat with my boss has proved productive.  Situational acceptance is incumbent on me. If Gloria Gaynor can do it, then I Will Survive also.

P.S. How wonderful Geraldine Page was in the role of Eve in Interiors - her melancholy and character expectations were superb! Who is (was?) this woman?   I don't ever recall seeing her before

P.P.S I love Australia, my country (!).  But gee I look forward to the day we have our own flag...

   
     
 

Lifeblog post

Testing the phone update
Tue 22-01-2008 23:07 Text note

Just a quick test.

2007 was miserable, apparently

It wasn't a great start to the day.  I entered the conference room in a reasonably good mood, thinking the end-of-year appraisal discussion with my manager would be an efficient and productive meeting.  "So! You've had a miserable year really, haven't you?" she said casually.

I baulked.  None of my mental preparations had anticipated a start like this.   "Well, I...   I mean.... um.." I took a big breath, as the gravity of what she said took hold of me.  "Well I don't think so - I mean, yes, it was challenging but I..."   

It was about at this point I noticed my eyes starting to fill up, and she noticed it too.   I tried to gather my thoughts and be coherent.   
"I have attempted to focus on the positive points in my self appraisal and not get hung up on... well I mean you know it's been hard - we've spoken about it so many times".   
"Yes well, let's go through your objectives and your notes then, will we?" and so she began pointing out the mediocre successes and noted disappointments in a 'I've-done-all-this-before" manner.    I sat quietly - somewhat stunned - on the other side of the table as I listened to her points and arguments, not affording me much opportunity to rebut or say say anything meaningful in  my defence. 

She continued - "I've spoken with Mary and Clara*, and Mary said she felt you did not provide enough support to her during the year. I think she needed some more support and I think you should have come to me to discuss a new senior role in her team - that was disappointing I thought" she murmured as she looked through her comments. 

Rather shocked - not only at the rather disparaging comments by Mary, but also at the fact that my manager had never mentioned any concern in this area to me before, and discussions that I had had with Mary in the past have worked through any conflict and expectations of both parties.   I could see from her paperwork that she had marked me down in this area.

I wobbled - "I have given every assistance to Mary in the last year. It's not easy to work with someone who does not believe in any form of management oversight and who is passively aggressive to any attempts at actual change or improvement"   I was angry now.   It seemed like my manager was only taking (and giving opportunity to feedback) to Mary and my point of view was almost irrelevant - my manager already knew the truth.   I had suspected a sort of chummy allegiance between these two before and this seemed to confirm my suspicions.   My stomach was churning.   All I had wanted was a bit of honest feedback, positive affirmation and some robust discussion about the future - instead it seemed the future was looking bleak and any suggestions I may have had about my role would be dismissed away.   The disparagement continued like this for an hour.

Claiming an urgent meeting, my manager abruptly left the meeting room and dashed off elsewhere, leaving me behind to pick up the rubble.    I was devastated.   I had never been ripped apart like this before.   My anger welled up like a surge but only threatened to bring tears to my eyes.   I gathered myself together and went back to my desk, avoiding any random eye contact that may spy my weakness.   
The day rolled on, and I slowly turned in on myself...

*Names have been changed

A humid bathroom with discarded umbrellas...

The rain comes down and I do not complain.  I rather like the rain here for many little reasons, but mostly because it generates a feeling of calmness and security.  It must be something to do with growing up in Ireland (quelle surprise) but also perhaps my general aversion to the sun and excessive heat.   What am I doing in Sydney? Sometimes I wonder.

In a shameless rip from The Banal Chew, I have answered the below questions with my own responses, as these little personal quizzes have always compelled me.   They can be fun, and therapeutic for haphazard hungover minds.   

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? I think an old cap
2. When was the last time you threw up? Umm think late 2004
3. What's your favourite curse word? Shite
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Jason, the waitress in the cafe, Annabel Crabb
5. What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? Considering the logistics of getting up and having some water and panadol
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Reading the SMH
7. Where were you born? Dublin, Ireland
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? No
9. What is the last thing you said aloud?  "Bollocks!"  (I spilled water all down my shirt)
10. What is the best ice cream flavor?  I tend to go traditional rum & raisin
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Flat white and water
12. What are you wearing right now? Crummy shorts and old tshirt
13. What was the last thing you ate? Oops! Bacon & egg brekkie
14. Have you bought any new clothes this week? No
15. Where were you last? Reading the paper in the living room
16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Australian Open
17. Who won? Not over yet
18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on Facebook? Dean
    
19. Ever go camping? Yes, many years ago, and have little desire to go again
20. Where do you live? Sydney, Australia
    
21. What song are you listening to? Don't stand so close to me, The Police
22. Do you have a tan? I like to think so on my arms
23. Do you drink your soda from a straw? I don't drink "soda".  But i occasionally use a straw for drinks, yes...
24. What did your last text message say? "Aw OK. Tee hee you must have had a few :-) see u in morn x"
25. Who's your best friends? More important, who's my second best friend?
26. What are you doing tomorrow? Nothing really planned at this stage.
27. Where is your mom right now? I hope asleep peacefully in her bed in Ireland
28. Look to your right, what do you see? Rain gently pattering on the leaves of the tree outside the window
29. What colour is your watch? One brown and silver, the other all silver
30. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Sun, youth, vibrancy, beach, hope
31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yes but it was a crap Funderland one
32. What is your birthstone? There are a few, but I think "Beryl" suits me best!
33. Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through? Go inside. Drive through always bugger up the order
34. What is your favourite number? Hmmm... I'm not sure any win greater affection than another
    
35. Do you have a dog? No.  Would like one in future though
36. Last person you talked to on the phone? Jason, talking shite at midnight from the pub
37. Have you met anyone famous? President of Ireland?, Robbie Williams
38. Any plans today? I really REALLY should study
39. How many countries have you lived in? Ireland and Australia
40. Ever go to college? Yes
41. Where are you right now? In the office/spare room/creative media space/laundry drying/second bedroom
42. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? my ill defined thankless job
43. Are you in love with someone right now? Yes very much so....
44. Are you allergic to anything? Apparently a mild allergy to dust.   And I do dislike it!
45. Favourite pair of shoes? tan loafers.
46. Are you jealous of anyone? Not especially.   I have envied others qualities where I lack them
47. Is anyone jealous of you? I really don't think so!
48. Do any of your friends have children? Yes
49. Do you eat healthy? No.  There's just no other way to say it
50. What do you usually do during the day? Work during week, then bum around at weekends
51. Do you hate anyone right now?  No.
52. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? I think so
53. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?  34
    
54. Have you ever been to Six Flags? What on earth is this
55. How did you get one of your scars (if you have any)? From removing a tumour on my brain!

Tint out that sun!

I'm trying the blogging while listening to music in the background - in this case some Sophie Ellis Bextor (I'm nothing if not predictable).   I have never been able to concentrate on important stuff if there is music in the background, but I find this quite pleasant.....

Hurrah hurrah - I got the windows in the flat tinted this morning. The tint-man came over about 8.30 and had them all up within the hour. Now all I need is a bit of sun to test them out.  Of course, that results in clouds, rain and wind being forecast for the remainder of the week.   Just as well I didn't get air-conditioning - might have triggered a nuclear winter.

After a false start last week I go back to the gym again this week, in preparation for a few more personal training sessions in February. I need new gym shoes - my 9 year old Pumas have given me my money's worth and I can ask for no more. 

                                                                                            **************

This morning I have been accredited as the inspiration for my friend John's new blog - thOroughly mOdern cOlin - I've linked the file as the title name IS ridiculously long.  And I would like to dispute the accusatory burblings of the author, notably the hassling comment, and utterly refute the suggestion of any harassment...   :)

Into '08

A shameless copy from my previous blog (now defunct), I want to get this on the record  as soon as possible.    My 2008 New Year "Aspirations" are: 

• Hopefully get good news from my next MRI scan in Feb/March
• Complete my Diploma of Financial Services (this will be a tall order, as I am hopeless at study commitments, and find multiple excuses to avoid sitting down with the text)
• Find a new job that fully utilises my skills and experience (commenced job hunt late Dec with some chats in January to be scheduled, but really need to get myself out there and find a better solution.  Although there is a SLIM possibility my new manager in my current job will swing things around for me enough that I may stay on)
• Continue learning Spanish - reach at least level 2B by year end (another 20 weeks of night classes ahead, but I really enjoy it - especially during the Winter months)
• On the home front, organise small renovations to apartment (I have a very poor track record with this aspiration to date, but the arrival of parents sometime in March will provide focus on immediate needs and decor options.)
• New carpet; feature wall paint; wallpaper bedroom; new kitchen benchtop, cupboard doors, lighting and splashback; ceiling fans; bedroom chest of drawers etc...
• Organise holiday to Ireland/Europe various in June with Jason, and see my new niece/nephew in Barcelona.
• Establish with Jason if we are to proceed to move to London sometime in 2009 (for a year or two - this is conceptual stuff at this stage)
• Win Lotto (I firmly believe this will happen one day - in my little dabbles to date I almost always win about $20- $30, which point to a luckiness not to be foregone!)

This list will grow and vary as time goes on, and as I want to keep track of it, I will place it in it’s own special place for ease of access.    Now who else is willing to put their aspirations on the table for 2008????

Struggle in the swelter

It's hot.  Not just hot, but sticky too.  I'm trying to study for my diploma at possibly THE worst time of year.  And yet my first assignment is due next month, so I must knuckle down.

I went back to work today - first proper days work since before Christmas.  Becuase of the build up of stuff there was lots to do, which had me humming away all day happily ensconced in my busy-ness.  But at about 3pm I looked at my To-Do list and realised I hadn't much left there.   And this is when the mood changes.  I have no meetings in my diary tomorrow, so I need a flow of work to keep me occupied.   It's so mind-numbingly depressing when I sit at my desk with nothing to do, waiting for an email or a flash of inspiration.   When neither comes (quite often) I dummy spit and go home, frustrated and vowing to get another job.   And if one more person says "gee I'd love to be bored at work" I am going to stick a Pental 0.5 Stylewriter pen up their f*cking nose.

I am spending money like it will cease to exist otherwise.   And I've got a cough.   But apart from all of that, I'm really rather content :-)

And I am enjoying learning my way around here... more pages and pictures to come

Starting over in 2008

New year, new blog.  The old one crashed on me for the last time.   No more to be said on that.

Desperately trying to motivate myself to study these days.   I did a little yeaterday, and no doubt will do some more today, but I am shuddering at the thoughts of having to finsih this in the next few weeks and then sit an exam (plus complete an assignment).    I am much too easily distracted.   What do you think I am doing on here instead of studying? Exactly.

Bear with me as I set this up and get it started.