These last few weeks have been the most intense in my working life.  It's not that I haven't been stressed at work before (I have, although I expressed it rather immaturely I know) but I've never felt under this much pressure behind the working desk before.  Running two projects simulateneously, with two diverse teams and two diverse outcomes, both actually launching on the same day in November was not something that I was too concerned about a few months ago.  But now, on my sanity day off that I have been planning for months (and spent a lot of it on the phone to work anyway) I can really see the weight of stress that has weighed upon me.

I have to say I have impressed myself during the period.  I cannot count the number of times in another energy sapping meeting that my brain was actually freezing and a voice inside my head was screaming "STOPIT! STOP IT!!  JUST RESIGN!  YOU CAN"T COPE WITH THIS!!!".  The voice was muddled with another one yelling "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!  WHY DID YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS?  YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL!". Thankfully, there was another (although fainter) voice that told me to "Stick with it.  Keep yourself together. It can't last" which won out on each panic stricken moment.   

There is a tendency to walk into a new company in a new role (as I did as a business project manager in February this year with my employer) and for everyone around you to (a) assume you already know exactly what you are doing; and (b) assume you already know exactly how everything works in the company - the written and unwritten rules - and for you not to be in breach of either (a) or (b).  If you do, then you get chaos.  And I've been managing quite a bit of that lately.   

Despite the fact I've been pulling 12 hour days, the odd weekend and on-call availability (for a role which I am neither remunerated properly nor incentivised to go the extra mile) there have been some good points. Firstly, I've learnt my limits of tolerance, and my strategy for coping with horrendously intense and stressful people and situations.  Secondly, I've gained an enormous amount of experience and skill along the way - stuff which I had done before but never at this level nor with this commitment.  Third and lastly, I've learned that once I walk out that office door of an evening, it's my time and I need to make the most of it despite the nightmares of the day.  I'm not paid to think outside of work.  

So, this weekend myself and J rented a little house overlooking the Blue Mountains, and I took Monday (today) off work despite the pressure to be at work ("How can you take a day off now??"  Bollix).  While it rained and galed in Sydney, the sun shone and the birds twittered in our back garden.  Phones were out of signal, tv reception was poor and the wine was lovely.  Musing through old musty books and antique shops, having breakfast or lunch in tiny local cafes and just talking shite and having a laugh, gazing in the window of estate agents at the lovely little houses for sale and fantasising about buying a weekender - it was brilliant.   And just what we needed.   Tomorrow is another day, and will probably be like the rest of them, but I know I can deal with it just a bit better now.