Meus Parem Locus

on the next steps

Back home, and desperately trying to shake off this nasty cold I picked up while in London.  It's made me feel somewhat maudlin these last few days, and despite the cold'n'flu stuff I am taking, I still feel under the weather a lot of the time.  

The focus is now very much on getting a job.  Before I left Z I created a little job-finding plan to activate when I arrived back home from my gratuitous holiday.   I've started it by completely reformatting my CV - with a view to having a quality product for generalist applications but can also be easily tailored for anything specific should the opportunity arise.  Needless to say, I am (although not desperate...yet) open to many different opportunities, even, dare I say, if a contract came up at my old employer, for stuff I know they need to do and they know I could do it well...   It's time to take it to the next level, let any pride take a back seat, and hit my contacts up with an email...

But I am enjoying my time off - there can be little doubt :-)  I can live quite frugally if i set my mind to it. and I think if this had happened earlier in the year I would be more relaxed about the situation.  As it stands now however, I feel I need to have something running by mid November at the very latest, otherwise I'll miss the boat until early Feb next year.  But I struggle without deadlines so that's not a bad thing.

As I tend to think/formulate ideas best through talking about them to any poor sod who finds him/herself in my company for too long, I was able to work through quite a few things on my mini-break to home.  Regarding my desire to shift my career in a more creative direction, I feel I cannot credibly do anything directly on that now until I can develop my skills with the (very expensive Adobe Creative Suite) software required.  However unless I am able to translate a concept in my head to a computer screen or printer with little or no compromise, then I will never be able to take this ambition any further.  So I figure that the best way to achieve this is to first focus on a regular, stable(ish) income  that will better enable me to afford both the software and any further training opportunities.  Once I can feel competent in the tools of the trade then I guess the rest is up to me - if what I can do with the tools is something that can be marketed or in some way income-generating then bob's my auntie's husband.  But if not - well then at least I tried.  Or maybe I need to go in a slightly different direction with it.  

Anyhoo - it's there - I have found direction at last - and I will work on it in the best way I know how.  In the meantime, I need to start earning my keep!!

only 150 minutes to go

Sitting at my desk in work, with the undeniable urge to blog it out.  My day has been made up (so far) of listening to corporate strategy presentations followed by an "urgent need" to review three "critical" projects for compliance with some obscure strategic objective.   How has it come to this.... 

I have noticed recently how I completely wind down and tune out on a Friday.  I never used to be like this, except perhaps in the last hour. Nowadays I grapple with the clock ticking from the moment I hit my desk with my bland coffee and overly sweet muffin (gawd it's a stuggle to get good product in North Sydney - they need more ethnics like myself).    Perhaps it may also be due to the hectic pace of things since the year began - last night I recommenced my Spanish classes which were two solid hours of saying "what?", thinking.... "what?" and looking for all the world like the veritable deer in the headlights when confronted with "¿Cómo usted diría este Kevin?" upon entering the room.   I immediately wanted to turn and run away from the cold and disparaging eyes waiting to see if I'll end up sitting beside them(serves me right for arriving 5 minutes late I suppose).

So after a horrendous lunch of lemon chicken and fried rice, I am desperately trying to wind myself back up to function with relative normality for the afternoon.  Making secret promises to myself that I'll leave at 4 anyway provide little solace. It's still 2 and a half bloody hours away.   My weekend of assignment work looms before me...   I'll be back here again very soon I think

2007 was miserable, apparently

It wasn't a great start to the day.  I entered the conference room in a reasonably good mood, thinking the end-of-year appraisal discussion with my manager would be an efficient and productive meeting.  "So! You've had a miserable year really, haven't you?" she said casually.

I baulked.  None of my mental preparations had anticipated a start like this.   "Well, I...   I mean.... um.." I took a big breath, as the gravity of what she said took hold of me.  "Well I don't think so - I mean, yes, it was challenging but I..."   

It was about at this point I noticed my eyes starting to fill up, and she noticed it too.   I tried to gather my thoughts and be coherent.   
"I have attempted to focus on the positive points in my self appraisal and not get hung up on... well I mean you know it's been hard - we've spoken about it so many times".   
"Yes well, let's go through your objectives and your notes then, will we?" and so she began pointing out the mediocre successes and noted disappointments in a 'I've-done-all-this-before" manner.    I sat quietly - somewhat stunned - on the other side of the table as I listened to her points and arguments, not affording me much opportunity to rebut or say say anything meaningful in  my defence. 

She continued - "I've spoken with Mary and Clara*, and Mary said she felt you did not provide enough support to her during the year. I think she needed some more support and I think you should have come to me to discuss a new senior role in her team - that was disappointing I thought" she murmured as she looked through her comments. 

Rather shocked - not only at the rather disparaging comments by Mary, but also at the fact that my manager had never mentioned any concern in this area to me before, and discussions that I had had with Mary in the past have worked through any conflict and expectations of both parties.   I could see from her paperwork that she had marked me down in this area.

I wobbled - "I have given every assistance to Mary in the last year. It's not easy to work with someone who does not believe in any form of management oversight and who is passively aggressive to any attempts at actual change or improvement"   I was angry now.   It seemed like my manager was only taking (and giving opportunity to feedback) to Mary and my point of view was almost irrelevant - my manager already knew the truth.   I had suspected a sort of chummy allegiance between these two before and this seemed to confirm my suspicions.   My stomach was churning.   All I had wanted was a bit of honest feedback, positive affirmation and some robust discussion about the future - instead it seemed the future was looking bleak and any suggestions I may have had about my role would be dismissed away.   The disparagement continued like this for an hour.

Claiming an urgent meeting, my manager abruptly left the meeting room and dashed off elsewhere, leaving me behind to pick up the rubble.    I was devastated.   I had never been ripped apart like this before.   My anger welled up like a surge but only threatened to bring tears to my eyes.   I gathered myself together and went back to my desk, avoiding any random eye contact that may spy my weakness.   
The day rolled on, and I slowly turned in on myself...

*Names have been changed