It wasn't a great start to the day. I entered the conference room in a reasonably good mood, thinking the end-of-year appraisal discussion with my manager would be an efficient and productive meeting. "So! You've had a miserable year really, haven't you?" she said casually.
I baulked. None of my mental preparations had anticipated a start like this. "Well, I... I mean.... um.." I took a big breath, as the gravity of what she said took hold of me. "Well I don't think so - I mean, yes, it was challenging but I..."
It was about at this point I noticed my eyes starting to fill up, and she noticed it too. I tried to gather my thoughts and be coherent.
"I have attempted to focus on the positive points in my self appraisal and not get hung up on... well I mean you know it's been hard - we've spoken about it so many times".
"Yes well, let's go through your objectives and your notes then, will we?" and so she began pointing out the mediocre successes and noted disappointments in a 'I've-done-all-this-before" manner. I sat quietly - somewhat stunned - on the other side of the table as I listened to her points and arguments, not affording me much opportunity to rebut or say say anything meaningful in my defence.
She continued - "I've spoken with Mary and Clara*, and Mary said she felt you did not provide enough support to her during the year. I think she needed some more support and I think you should have come to me to discuss a new senior role in her team - that was disappointing I thought" she murmured as she looked through her comments.
Rather shocked - not only at the rather disparaging comments by Mary, but also at the fact that my manager had never mentioned any concern in this area to me before, and discussions that I had had with Mary in the past have worked through any conflict and expectations of both parties. I could see from her paperwork that she had marked me down in this area.
I wobbled - "I have given every assistance to Mary in the last year. It's not easy to work with someone who does not believe in any form of management oversight and who is passively aggressive to any attempts at actual change or improvement" I was angry now. It seemed like my manager was only taking (and giving opportunity to feedback) to Mary and my point of view was almost irrelevant - my manager already knew the truth. I had suspected a sort of chummy allegiance between these two before and this seemed to confirm my suspicions. My stomach was churning. All I had wanted was a bit of honest feedback, positive affirmation and some robust discussion about the future - instead it seemed the future was looking bleak and any suggestions I may have had about my role would be dismissed away. The disparagement continued like this for an hour.
Claiming an urgent meeting, my manager abruptly left the meeting room and dashed off elsewhere, leaving me behind to pick up the rubble. I was devastated. I had never been ripped apart like this before. My anger welled up like a surge but only threatened to bring tears to my eyes. I gathered myself together and went back to my desk, avoiding any random eye contact that may spy my weakness.
The day rolled on, and I slowly turned in on myself...
*Names have been changed
